Different Walls

I'm so down today, can't stop crying .....

I feel my life is useless, i rely too much on Colin he doesn't deserve this , and i'm so unhappy inside for i feel i have lost the person he fell in love with, the happy, vibrant, confident woman he met is no more .

I'm in so much pain, it doesn't let up , i'm so weary and tired, and i feel constantly ill. I can't remember the last time i was outside , doing something nice , its been a long time. it seems i only go to the hospital for my treatments and back home again. I never see anyone , i never have company of other females. Oh. my daughter comes up more now, but her visits are always with the kids and her time is spent telling me her woes , and telling the kids off for something or other . Her heart is in a good place but she just doesn't know how desperately I need to talk, how i would give anything just to have girlie time with her  .

I no longer feel attractive , to myself or to my husband , I have put on so much weight -i.m now 3 sizes up to what i used to be when i was well. My hair is now gone , i loved my long black hair , now its all gone , i thought i would go blonde, get it cut so it would be easier to handle . I went to the hairdresser twice , it cost a fortune to sit in the chair for 6 hours on those two occasions , i still don't know how i managed it .My hair was ruined with the chemicals, and  my health didn't help so i decided i can't do this anymore and had this mad idea to just cut it all off until all the colour was even enough to get my hair possibly done at home, i bought a few wigs and started my plan .

 I suited them, but now i just look at them lying in a drawer and to be honest i wonder if i'll ever feel well enough to put my make-up on , get dressed and not look like a drag queen who's very tired . I used to love make-up , i now look in the mirror and just see a very tired woman , it shows in my face , it shows in my eyes, and to be honest i now avoid mirrors as much as possible. I used to work out regularly, circuit training including weight training, I've been told that this possibly helped me in this battle against Fibromyalgia as my muscles were strong , but now i can't even lift a cup sometimes without it feeling really heavy, i can't reach up above my head without discomfort and pain. My muscles spasm, they hurt intensely and my skin burns , I have pain all over my body , Can you imagine what this must feel like every day of your life 24/7 ? this is my life now. I wonder how many of you who read this feel the same as i do , how many of you can only imagine what it must be like , how many of you try to but really have no idea . I think when you are around someone who suffers long-term illness then its easy to become sensitised to it, because it becomes the norm for carers too .

I go for my acupuncture tomorrow, i've not been for a few weeks because of this flu i had , i still feel a little unwell but not so bad , its mainly my cfs/me and fibromyalgia that is there , always there ...I dread my treatment tomorrow , its a bitter sweet pill for its so painful yet it does help me . I haven't felt it benefited me over the past month or so tho, but that's just because i've been in an emotional turmoil with moving house etc

Colin has worked so hard to make this flat as best it can be for us , i see him looking tired , he also looks sad and i wonder  if he is sad because of me and what our life has become . I'm so sensitive , i remember  my uncle Tom saying years ago when speaking to my ex 'treat her with kid gloves' I now, only now understand what he meant by this. Tom was more like a brother to me , we were only five years apart and we had an incredible strong love for each other , he was cruelly taken when he had just reached his 40th birthday , a tumour and secondary cancers, the day he died a big part of me died with him. I miss him so much .

I also miss my mum , crazy i'm 58 and i miss my mum , stupid me .

So i sit here day after day , sleep alot and try my best to do little tasks but it isn't always possible and i feel so useless .

 I feel for Colin, I'm not the best patient and he has to see me like this every day !  I know that i do or say things that comes out all wrong, I know that sometimes i can be stubborn and also unthinking, but i don't mean to be and i don't want to drag others down with me , when i feel like this i just wish i could hide away , i want to run but i can't even walk so i'm stuck here no matter what , I haven't even got the courage to ......
what a coward i am

Different walls , same emotions, fears , and pain tho , when will it ever end :-(


Kira x