4.30 am 1s April

I cznt sleep my spasms are getting worse and i have no control over them , even typing this blog is dificult as my finhers keep twitching, I don't know what to do and i feel so helpless. Poor Colin is ill with a tummy bug, i can't help him and he can't help me, what a situation to be in , i could cry., this situation brings it home to me how helpless both of us both are if any of us got seriously ill.

What does my future hold?????? my speech is getting worse and my spasms are so bad now . we are going to see the doctor next week hopefully,  he can help me .and i hope in my heart that tomorrow then Colin feels better for he looks terrible.


All i can do is hope

hugs, Kira x

promises

Never make a promise on the pretence that you will never break that promise;  for then you are beholden to keep it and you know this will then eat away at you .

Or perhaps its the only way to keep that promise so not to hurt the person you made the promise to , logical or illogical thinking but it works .....

death came silently

It seems like i am a different person to whom i was. Constantly ill, i have now been ill for the past 6 days with an extremely bad virus , and yet it goes on and on, This particular virus hit me 5 weeks ago, then seemed to ease again for a few days and now its back with a madness!!!!this pain, this confusion, slurred speech , loss of memory, becoming very unbalanced when i try to walk which on occasions if Colin hadn't been there to steady me, then i would have fallen . My pain is becoming more severe and taking over every part of my body , my legs refuse to walk, my pain is worsening, and i feel so sad '.........yes death came silently and i didn't even feel it until there was no turning back . I am no longer the person i was, and i just want to give up, yet there is a little voice inside talking to me , saying 'stay strong' don't give up ... How many of you i wonder have heard this little voice , how many of you out there have felt as i do and yet carry on , how many of you  ...............

Its was a beautiful morning looking from my windows i could see the snow all around and it looked like a scene from a winter wonderland , the sun shone through my windows in streaky colour as my tears fell down my face and i felt so alone , I remember when it seemed that i was at my worse this time round, Colin told me that he couldn't cope any more, he needed help, that he wasn't medically qualified and we both need some other kind of support and help. The helplessness in his eyes hit an arrow right through my heart and i just didn't know what to to to help him , life is so cruel, i'm so dependent on him for everything - me a independent woman who in the past needed no-one !!!

hugs Kira xxx

reflections

Its not been a good day , a day when my energy has been poor and i've felt so tired and physically ill . Reflection on my life make me sad , yet also give me the strength to carry on into a new day with new hopes . 

Lets hope tomorrow is a better day for me and all those who like me have suffered the stress and feelings of 'why carry on' my thoughts are with you 

hugs Kira x