No Change

Life feels so difficult for me at the moment, I am in a constant fog and i feel so very tired constantly :-(  I have tried to find inspiration in my poetry but all i can do is dark poems, emotions  that touch the heart, strong stuff .
 I'm thinking of writing a second book of poetry , but i have also written an autobiography of my life . I thought it would help me emotionally but it hasn't, and so now, i wonder what will i do with this book .

I was at the hospital the other day to see a consultant regarding a breast lump. He has confirmed its only cyst , however it could get larger, even leak and cause infection, so i have decided to have surgery to have it removed. I only need a local anaesthetic and i will be home the same day . He says there could be up to a six week wait so at least having this information with help me not to stress too much about it.

My life feels to be filled with doctor or hospital appointments I don't seem to get out any other time. Its so nice to smell the fresh air and see things around me when i do manage out. I even didn't recognise my own town as its been so long since i had been out that way . I desperately want to meet other people and do normal things .

I talked to Colin and i've decided that i want to visit the fibromyalgia support club, its held on the last Monday of every month . So I'm going to forget my panic attacks , take my spray , and go along to meet and hopefully make new friends.   This illness so easily affects sufferers in a way that they become housebound; depressed, and very lonely . This has happened to me so its time i tried to take some control of my life i think.  in a positive way that is going to help my self esteem and confidence.......

Hoping ...... That my daughter will realise her cold heart one day for now she won't let me have any contact with my grand-children . There will come a day when she will wish she had opened her mind and her heart .

I know that there are lots of people out there who suffer the same as i do , and i hope that by writing my blogs it will give you motivation to pick up your life again in some small way .
Also i hope that by reading my blogs it helps to make you feel less vulnerable and lonely .

To you , I wish you a happy day and a wonderful week-end

Love Kira x

In my head i am a free spirit , i can do anything i want to, breath the fresh air , smell the new cut grass , walk in the park and let my inner child free to play on the swings :-)

Wipe Out

There is a saying that is ' I am the woman i am today because my life before has taught me to be strong' I don't know if this is true of me for i don't feel strong and i certainly don't feel brave . Inspirational ? Maybe ....

But today i just feel Wipe Out .

For the past week i have felt a burden on my shoulders and i just can't reach up to get it off my shoulders. I feel i am a burden on Colin and i so badly want to change my life

any comments to help me will be gladly taken into consideration , pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeze

Hugs Kira x

There are times when we all need a friend .

Gone

I don't know why but i've always been a sensitive soul, not being able to take any kind of stress or confrontation , and esp now i actually become quite ill over things that others may not think twice about.

I wish i could rub out these issues and start again , make things better , for I'm not a bad person and yet sometimes when families fall out then the innocent one is often portrait as the 'bad' one

With my hand on my heart i wish it all could be gone, I feel that I am being pulled in all directions with family members that just don't know the 'why' or  whatever as they only know one side and really these issues shouldn't concern them. I also feel stressed and vulnerable because of my ill health . I make the wrong  decisions thinking they are the right ones, I just can't win no matter what i do .

Hugs Kira x

Sometimes

Sometimes i feel such a failure, i just don't know how to turn things around regarding personal issues with my daughter. She just doesn't understand my illness and how it is keeping me housebound 90% of my time . I miss her but life isn't that easy to just meet up hug each other and move forward . How i wish it was.

I'm sure there are many people out there who also suffer family conflict , my thoughts are with you.


hugs Kira xx

I've been feeling terrible past several days, and since yesterday i feel like i've got yet another virus . I'm so tired of this fight and ongoing pain , it feels like i am always moaning - i'm sorry for this

Wish i could have some good news to share for a change but i haven't

Hugs to everyone x

Reaching out to you

I like to think that i'm a kind person, someone who is caring  and in my time i was hard working. Ofcourse i have made bad choices in my life, and i am only human so yes i have made mistakes, but life doesn't come with a manual 'how to do' and if i could i would change those mistakes . My heart is weeping because of them and i only hope that one day they will be wiped clean .

I am so fed up of this illness, my pain is so bad that when at its worst i just want to lay down , go to sleep, and never wake up again . I constantly ask myself why have i been disabled and why do i now have to live my life with this condition.

I live with my heart on my sleeve , I am so emotional , and i try so hard to get not let this bring me down but its so difficult

I wish i could turn back time

Hugs to all out there who also feel sad and are suffering with this awful illness .

Sore and feeling so sad

I've been feeling terrible past several days, and since yesterday i feel like i've got yet another virus . I'm so tired of this fight and ongoing pain , it feels like i am always moaning - I'm sorry for this

Wish i could have some good news to share for a change but i haven't  :-(

Life Hurts

Why is it that the ones we want most dearly to understand and stand by us , are the ones who often can't see beyond their own issues.

I've had a terrible week, such intense pain and i feel so depressed. My hospital visit this week went ok , but i got so upset and told the doctor that with no offence aimed at her i am totally fed up going over and over my story with a different doctor each time yet feeling that i am still stuck in this place of pain .

I have to see yet a different doctor now who hopefully will help me cope with this awful chronic pain . I also have a hospital appointment to see about a breast lump . It was looked at and scanned before and they thought it was just a cyst, but its bigger, harder and fixed - I'm worried

My daughter and i have fallen out , she just cannot accept how ill i am, and she just won't admit or see that if i could then i would visit and be in their lives more , needless to say i just cannot cope with this added stress and i've walked away . My heart hurts and i feel as if its been ripped out from my body .

My son on the other hand is a gem and so caring towards me , I love them both dearly and wish my family could be there for me , helping and not causing this hurt. I just cannot win.

On the bright side the copies of my book are being shipped out to me , I'm so excited to see my poetry in a book , my life's dream . I plan to donate all sales to Kira's pool fund, My husband is working towards funding and having a hydrotherapy pool centre built . This is going to be such a benefit to so many people but it will be a long term piece of work in progress , we will be looking to many people and societies to help raise funds towards this goal .


Lastly , I am very grateful to all my online friends, you fill my life and fill an empty space in my heart , I am so lonely and sad at times and you will never know how much i appreciate your friendship, Thank-you from my heart to yours x