Diary of a cfs/me & Fibromyalgia sufferer: Guilt

Guilt is a most terrible thing to have to live with.

Guilt of things past done
Guilt of things you cannot change
Guilt of pain caused to others
Guilt of burdening loved ones

I feel so guilty all the time and i wish with all my heart that i could change things. This illness is killing me for i feel so beholden and my guilt just won't go away.

I try to do the best i can, and lately i've been able to do little things but then i crash and i feel so tired , so exhausted , so worthless

I live a life of non existence, i'm never out unless its to the hospital or to visit my doctor, I'm never dressed for what is the point-I'm never out. I have bags full of make-up that i never wear yet i used to love my make-up and i was such a girlie girl.

I have a wardrobe filled with such lovely clothes, clothes that i never wear .

I wish i could turn back the clock , I wish that i could change things but its no use wishing for i can't.

I wish my life was filled with something to look forward to but its not, I have nothing to look forward to .

There are times i want to just jump into my car and go for a drive, just drive and drive but i can't , i'm a prisoner in my own home and my car is only in name for i'm never in it , i've not driven for over 3 years . I miss my independence so very much.

I try i really do , but when times get bad for me, who do i turn to ? there is only one person i can talk to. Yet i cannot open up fully to him for i don't want to burden him with my woes.

I've heard of so many relationships that break down because of illness and the strain it puts on relationships and this scares me. We are strong Colin and I but even the strongest can fall......

I'm sure that there are many people out there who can relate to my feelings and my fears, and i'm sure that there are equally as many who will think that i'm just feeling sorry for myself, but try walking in my shoes for a day , you will beg to get your own shoes back on.

Everyone needs to have a moan now and then , I guess that this is my moan, I apologise for being so down today. But, depression and Guilt is such a terrible thing....

Isn't it ??

Hugs Kiara xx