organised chaos

I'm sitting here in the middle of a dream, i am helpless as i watch everything around me slowly disappear. My home , my castle , it took so much courage to move here at first, it took so much courage to be independent as i'd never been solely on my own before . So many memories of my life here seem to project in front of me like a watery picture, then disappear like mist , evaporating in front of my very eyes.

Almost done now , this dream will soon be over to make room for reality   , and still i sit here unable to do anything but watch , as my life moves on to another stage .

Kira x

New Beginnings

I move with my husband at the end of the week to a purpose adapted flat for disabled people , This is going to make a big big difference to my quality of life , I,m actually beginning to get butterflies and i feel quite excited about the move. Stress is now being taken over by happiness and the thought of

.NEW BEGINNINGS  :-) x

Kira x

Yesterday was such a bad day for me both physically and emotionally, My legs were in extreme pain and i found that i couldn't walk at all , normally i can at least manage a few steps . We are moving house and i just felt like i was drowning in the middle of everything , My husband and my daughter were working away so hard and all i could do was sit there watching , i felt as if i had no control of what was happening around me and i was very upset . I can't explain why the stress is getting to me so badly for i am so looking forward to moving to our new flat , i guess its just the situation that i am in that i can't handle.

I also got scared yesterday , my symptoms are so bad just now, the acupuncture just isn't helping any more, and i am thinking and wondering how bad can this get ??????  My husband thinks that maybe its just stress of the move and my symptoms will settle once we move , i hope so for i can't stand this pain and weakness . My stubbornness and my will to fight is all that keeps me going , but even that is fading .......   :-(


Kira x

Love

My Destiny in your eyes

I looked into your eyes and it was as if I had stepped into a dream

I was surrounded by your warmness, and I knew I was safe

My destiny was written in your eyes

I will never forget the first time you held me so close

I knew how your arms felt even before that moment

And as you held me tenderly,

I knew I had come to a place I could belong

I had thought of this moment so many times in my imagination

Yet, the emotion I felt in that moment in time, I can never describe

I knew that I loved you before we even met,

And that in this moment my heart already belonged to you

If this was just a dream then please let me never wake up

Let me stay safe within your heart sleeping,

Held in love

For to wake up and find you are not mine would be too much

I could never bare the pain of this loss

And my heart would break into a thousand pieces at my feet.

 Love i s so many different thing to so many people , but to me love is completeness, love is knowing that nothing will ever change the way that you feel , and love to me is finding my soul mate 

I dedicate this poem to my husband Colin x

Mobility

Most days my mobility is slow and hindered by extreme pain in my legs , this is like electric shocks shooting through my muscles and also causes extreme tiredness and weakness. Also because of my condition of Fibromyalgia i get stiffness in my joints, my hips; and legs. Weather conditions affect my symptoms too,  and it seems i have no escape from this ongoing condition.

I am in the process of moving to a disability flat , much better than the house i live in at the moment,  as i am finding climbing stairs increasingly difficult , i need to use a high seat for the toilet ( which is upstairs) I cannot bathe or shower independently , needing assistance and having to use a bath lift . So as you can imagine the prospect of moving to a flat is very appealing, everything on the one level, and also a wet room which gives me walk in access to a shower , pure bliss that will give me a little independence back and a much better quality of life hopefully.

Moving is such a stressful event normally but for me i am finding i am absolutely tired out and very emotionally drained. Its difficult for me not to try to help my husband , he is having to do so much on his own  as well as look after me, I find this so frustrating .

It also looks like i am now needing to use a zimmer for moving about indoors, I have until recently managed to walk using furniture as a support , but now i am so unsteady at times there is a risk i could fall . I'm waiting to be assessed by my occupational therapist .

I know i need this support but its killing me to come to terms with it, We all recognise a zimmer frame with the elderly , i'm not anywhere near this age group, i'm a very young 'late fifty' i have a young outlook and i am not ready to be classed elderly ... How can i ever cope with this tag


So much emotional things to deal with , I wonder what lays ahead for me , will i become so disabled that i will become old before my time. How will this affect my marriage , ..... Why me :-(


Kira x

Acupuncture

Acupuncture  or not ???

 Does it work ???? will it help ???? what should i do ?????

After months of agony and saying to my doctor i wanted to be referred to the pain clinic , my husband   was told by a friend  that i should see a different doctor,  which i did.

 I couldn't believe the difference, i was actually being listened to and for the first time in a long time , i actually felt like a human being with feelings and choices , and that i counted . The doctor made a referral for me while we actually sat there in his surgery.

Unfortunately it took a few months for an appointment to come up , but i was finally seen by the doctor who went over my symptoms and other details , she recommended acupuncture but also counselling therapy as a way to help me manage my pain emotionally , as yet i'm waiting for my therapy appointment , i'm very unsure about it, but i will try it .

Acupuncture for me was and still is something that works really well, it takes a few days to kick in and lasts at the moment only a few days , but to have more energy and to be almost pain free is worth all the discomfort and pain of the treatment. At the moment i get seen every 2 weeks, but hopefully i will eventually be able to go longer between treatments.

I find some needles extremely painful and others i am not aware of them. This is not to say everyone would find the treatment painful, but i would recommend if it work then keep going with it regardless.

If i can do it anyone can !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Acupuncture can make you feel extremely tired or maybe just relaxed and slightly sleepy, it can also make you feel nauseous , but not everyone may have these symptoms.


I would also recommend that you push to be seen at a pain clinic , i wish i had done so a long time ago rather than suffer .


Kira x

Strength Of A Woman

She smiles to the world but weeps into the night

She’s a shoulder to lean on, a confidant

A friend with a shoulder to lean on

She’s a nurse and a mother, a wife and a friend

With the magic to mend sore knees

Her tenderness and love are priority to those she cares about

Often forgetting her own needs

She manages to smile even when her heart is breaking

Yet, she hurts like everyone does

She’s there as a listener and a comforter

Even though she feels loneliness too

No-one can see the tears she weeps

No-one can see the hurt inside

She puts a sticking plaster over her heart

And she.......

Smiles to the world and weeps into the night

That’s the strength of a woman

We all know some-one like this , someone who cares about others and who puts there feelings last every time, I dedicated this to my dear friend Sue .